Filch's Dirty Little Secret
by Sweet'n'Sour
Summary: Filch isn't quite the caretaker Harry and Hermione thought he was, Emotional damage!


Hermione started her day the usual way. She got up dressed and met Harry and Ron in the common room to go to breakfast. The kink in the schedule became apparent as they sat down across from each other at the Gryffindor table. It was a stormy morning in November. Everyone was groggy that morning because the storm that still raged over Hogwarts had shaken the castle with the thunderous wrath.  
  
Hermione reached for the syrup and a crash shook the Great Hall. At that moment the doors to the chamber burst open and there silhouetted in the flash of lightning was none other than Argus Filch. This was not surprising because he was often late to meals, but the absence of his clothes was what sent the students into a tumultuous state of panic. Some were laughing hysterically. Others were trying to rub their eyes out of their skulls and other were paralyzed with trauma. But Filch just stood there glaring at them with malice.  
  
"What on earth are you laughing at?" shouted Filch, obviously unaware that his privates were hanging out to air.  
  
The volume of the hysteria rose to an even higher decibel. Filch looked imploringly to Dumbledore, who to everyone's amazement was snorting into his hash browns. Filch was apoplectic with rage, which he did not succeed in repressing. He turned back around to face the four tables and flung his middle finger drunkenly in their direction.  
  
That was when everyone else realized it, Filch was drunk off his feet. And at 6 o'clock in the morning too. Even Professor McGonagall was snickering behind her hand. She whispered something to Professor Sinistra of the Astronomy Department who slapped her knee and doubled up in gasps.  
  
This was not even the funniest event of the morning. Filch just stood there looking around and then he pulled out a wand. no one knows where he had hidden it. (his ass?) Well he proceeded to shout 'Avada Kedrava ' at the top of his lungs while waving his wand violently in the air. He had obviously forgotten that he was a squib. This tweaked the student body even more. Instead of giggles the laughter was outright cackles. Filch became even more enraged. He shouted "You're all dirty blinking MUDBLOODS!"  
  
Even Hermione laughed at that one. because a squib calling a witch or wizard a mudblood was downright outrageous. Malfoy, who usually liked anyone who was mean to the Gryffindors was gasping for air. His pale pointed face was flushed from guffawing.  
  
Disappointing as it was to everyone Professor Snape conjured up a flannel blanket out of thin air and with a flick of his wand sent it through the air and settled it around Filch. Why Snape did this, none of the students knew. Did he feel sorry for someone? No he probably didn't like to see this many people so happy. But ironically the Slytherins were making the most noise! Why would he ruin their fun. Then Hermione thought about it. Snape and Filch had always had an unholy alliance against the students. Maybe (gasp) they were friends! This seemed so preposterous. Hermione couldn't believe that she, sane level-headed Hermione had entertained such a ludicrous thought. But sadly the more she thought about the more sense it made.  
  
Hermione leaned over the table and told Ron and Harry what she thought. They both looked at her as if she had gone off her rocker.  
  
"Oy Ron, you think the sight of Filch's not so good goodies has caused enough emotional damage to drive her insane?" said Harry concernedly but Hermione could see that he was being sarcastic.  
  
Ron looked at her appraisingly and replied in a hushed worried tone: "You know I think it has. We should do something."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Call Saint Mungo's! "Ron proceeded to wet himself and fall of his chair.  
  
Harry snickered but when he saw the look on her face he stopped, it was that scary Professor McGonagall look that Harry just couldn't bear.  
  
Professor Dumbledore stood up rapped on his goblet with a spoon and dismissed them to class, where they spent the rest of the day reliving what turned out the be the funniest yet most traumatizing day of their existences. But for Filch it was simply mortifying, but sadly he doesn't remember. Oh well even funnier. 


End file.
